I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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