the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
