Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
