Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
