I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
