Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
