Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
