Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
