You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
