I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
