I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
