hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
