My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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