got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
