My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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