I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
