so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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