last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
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90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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