if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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