I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
