so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
