Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
