i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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