There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
