At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
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they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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