Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
