i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
