Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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