I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
