Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
