Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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