she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
