She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
