just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
