I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Randomize
