When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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