so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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