I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
