when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
