He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
And the cops told us we were all naked.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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