Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize