On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
