i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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