she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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