Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Green mimosas i think yes
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Dicks are not precious.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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