I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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