Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
