when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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