You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
