When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
