This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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