you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
