So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
