i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
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Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
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But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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