i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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