I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
